I Heard He Sang a Good Song, I Heard He Had a Style...

There's this thing about me that I've inherited from my mother. This thing, which I so dearly love and yet, so desperately despise, is that I am quicker to forgive a guy for a bad choice than a girl. My mother has taught me that girls are smarter than boys, and therefore more responsible for their actions. Now, since I'm writing this and actually actively thinking about the situation, I realize how completely ignorant and stupid that belief is. I've come to the realization that everyone, regardless of gender, must be held accountable for their actions.

It's easy for me to forgive and I usually want to forgive them. I really want to be noticed, I think, and by being the sweet cute one to the boys, I feel like my worth in the world has gone up. Not my self-worth, because I typically feel pretty good about myself. But it does matter to me, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, what other people think of me. It's an old bias I've inherited from my mother that men's opinions matter more than women's when it comes to me, and I hate it. But I also love being compassionate and understanding. It's a natural state for me, I think. It just takes longer for females to earn my forgiveness, because I value men's opinions of me more. And perhaps, somewhere deep inside me, I think that guys are stupid and will always confuse their frustration with me with their opinion of me, and when asked about me, they'll say "I hate that bitch, she's mean as fuck," and then not mean it.

It's easy to find what you're looking for when you're not sure what you're looking for.

If You Want to, I Can Save You...I Can Take You Away From Here...

So continuing on with this mode of self-exploration, I've been listening to some of the softer side of music: Michelle Branch. Here is a bad-ass singer with awesome lyrics that relate to life, if you want my less-than-professional opinion. Lately, I've really been feeling her song "All You Wanted."

Here's some of the lyrics:
If you want to, I can save you.
I can take you away from here.
So lonely inside, so busy out there.
And all you wanted was somebody who cared.

I've noticed more than one thing about myself in the last few weeks. It was brought to my attention by my friend Cody, and so I'll use his rather succinct words: "You look for people to save. And then you try to date them to save them." I totally denied it at first, left, right, and center. But over the last few days, it's started to ring true. I've thought about all the guys I've ever datd, and at some point before I actually dated them, they needed saving. Check it out:

Allen: needed saving from a bad relationship with another girl. I provided an escape.
Codey: needed saving from a bad familial situation.
Jeff: needed saving from another girl (complete whore).
Jacob: needed saving from himself and from his past.

Tony is the only person I've ever dated who's not needed saving.

It's important to me to be needed and wanted. I like to be liked, it's true, but I also like to be needed. I want my friends to appreciate the things I do for them and I want them to appreciate my friendship like I appreciate theirs. When I was a kid, in elementary school, I didn't ever have any friends. It sucked ass. I was the kid everyone picked on, and my teachers weren't much nicer. When I got into middle school, I suddenly was overwhelmed with friends, and so I overreacted a lot and changed myself to what they wanted me to be. I've stopped that.

So my point is, I like to save people. Want to be saved?

Lord Knows that this World is Cruel, but I Ain't the Lord, No, I'm Just a Fool...

It's interesting to be interesting. I like always having an opinion on things, and I like being asked what my opinion is. I like to listen to what other people think, especially when it's something I've never considered before. I like the fact that I am usually comfortable in my skin, and I like the fact that I have a unique style that no one else possesses. I like to be different in this world of chaos. I like my red hair, I like my clean body, and I like my personality, insofar as it exists. More or less, I like me. Apparently, I'm in love with myself, but that's another story for a different day.

But I digress.

I'd have to say that what I like most about myself is that I am relentless. I never give in. When I want something, I go out there and get it. I make things happen. I've not always been this way, but I am now, and I thoroughly enjoy it. It means I always get my way.

For instance, when I don't get my way, I change what my way is so that I can still get my way. That is what makes me truly relentless, and not just a spoiled bitch. Although I can be that as well. And I'm okay with that.

I've been told that I've grown somewhat out of touch with myself, and after reflecting on things that have happened, I'm sorry to say that I agree. This means several things, and several changes.

One. I need to learn who I am again, and what that means, before I can commit myself to anyone else. To those who this matters, we have things worked out. For the rest of you, suffice it to say that I will not be dating you any time soon.

Two. I will be blogging something about myself every few days to try to remember who I was and who I've become. Today's thing was about being relentless. It's a support system as well as a system of recovery.

The thing is, in the immortal words of Pink Floyd, I've traded my heroes for ghosts. IE, something that means a lot for something transparent and hollow. I need to recover my heroes.

My PlayList

We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimmin' In a Fishbowl...